No matter how many times one can sprout sayings, argue beliefs and understand a set of morals, one can not truly understand what it is to actually live by them.
For days now, I've been trying to live by a mindset: See the world not as it is, but as it could be.
and let me tell you this, it's harder than it looks. To follow this.
Cause when the whole world is being negative and just against you, it's hard to assume the possibility of positivity. when bad simply fills up your vision, it's hard to see the small acts of good. when all around you is pain, you can't believe there is relief.
All these weeks, you've been in pain and hurt, and no matter how many salves you use, there's still a sting. and only now, you've figured out that maybe it was because you were holding back, because you were preparing yourself, because you were afraid.
Afraid that people would leave again. Afraid that people would look at you, and think. "Meh, I could do better.". Afraid that you aren't enough.
and although, your other friends have helped mend you, it's these that you are still afraid of. not that you're not afraid of the other friends leaving you. but these are the ones you are deathly afraid, cause they don't know you, as you are,
the dark shadow that lives in the crevices of your mind
the morbidly grey morale that seeps into all the decisions you make
and also the sinister sadistic tyrant that lives in between all the smiles you give.
but there are moments, though. moments when you can believe in it.
it comes with an easy laugh, a lowering down of defences, and an open conversation. It's when you let go of the possibility of them leaving you, from just a glimpse, at how truly irrevocably broken you are.
it's when you actually do,
see the world, not as it is, but as it could be.
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