What you want to see, and when you actually see it

There's a difference between believing in something and actually living it.

No matter how many times one can sprout sayings, argue beliefs and understand a set of morals, one can not truly understand what it is to actually live by them.

For days now, I've been trying to live by a mindset: See the world not as it is, but as it could be.

and let me tell you this, it's harder than it looks. To follow this. 

Cause when the whole world is being negative and just against you, it's hard to assume the possibility of positivity. when bad simply fills up your vision, it's hard to see the small acts of good. when all around you is pain, you can't believe there is relief.

All these weeks, you've been in pain and hurt, and no matter how many salves you use, there's still a sting. and only now, you've figured out that maybe it was because you were holding back, because you were preparing yourself, because you were afraid.

Afraid that people would leave again. Afraid that people would look at you, and think. "Meh, I could do better.". Afraid that you aren't enough.

and although, your other friends have helped mend you, it's these that you are still afraid of.  not that you're not afraid of the other friends leaving you. but these are the ones you are deathly afraid, cause they don't know you, as you are, 

the dark shadow that lives in the crevices of your mind

the morbidly grey morale that seeps into all the decisions you make

and also the sinister sadistic tyrant that lives in between all the smiles you give.

but there are moments, though. moments when you can believe in it. 

it comes with an easy laugh, a lowering down of defences, and an open conversation. It's when you let go of the possibility of them leaving you, from just a glimpse, at how truly irrevocably broken you are.

it's when you actually do,

see the world, not as it is, but as it could be.

  

Dreams and Desires

You're there again,

in a little corner, of sorts, where you used to hide.
a place where you could always run to and disappear,
an old place that by no means mean anything to you,
except that it's quiet and nobody's there and you can do whatever you want.

read, write, think.
whatever you want.

you haven't been there since..
well, it's been a while,

the same tables, the same chairs,
the same chip on the tile, the same marks on the same whiteboard
everything is the same as before...

this place preserved by time,

and you're there with your sling bag, and converse shoes, and your shirt and ripped jeans,
and it's like looking in a window of the past, as you paw through your bag,
as usual, reaching for a book.

when you hear it, a disturbance in the silent solace,
a shift in the air and in the quick skip of your heart-
you know.

you know, as you turn around and see
disheveled hair, skewed glasses,
smirk in tact.

you see him

you see his fingers stretched out for you
as his digits move forward and reaches for you
and in a short few seconds, your eyes meet his, and you can

feel him.

his hands cradling your face, and his thumb drawing circles on your cheek,
and it's all him

and you want to tell him, you want to speak to him, you want to hold him
but you can't.

cause this was before,
not now
this was then,
not now

'cause dreams are the epitome of our true heart's desire'

and he's always been yours-

and always will be.

How to Breathe

"Take a breath"

 it feels odd, as this air-like concoction seep down the trachea, and-

"hold it in for a while"

-I what? hold it, as in let it pilfer your lungs and what?-

"now slowly let it out"

-SLOWLY let it out, bit by bit, just breathe out slow-

oh. wow.

and suddenly- relief.

tension and stress, thoughts and insecurities dimmed down..

streams and neverending voices turn to a slow focused trickle..

and it's funny really, how out of all the exercises and meditation, it's this that reminds you how to breathe,

so you put it back into your mouth, and finally

breathe.

Allie to Shay: Letters Across The World

Open Words document, and stare at the blip onscreen.

Dear Shay, Shay, To my platonic soul mate

  Alright, I'll just start writing. Cause unlike some people, I do not find peace when I write, infact during the process of writing, especially when writing about feelings, I fumble and trip over words, like a traveller triapsing into the woods in the dark. -

Smirk.

- and I find it appropriate that I compared my feelings as dark woods, maybe a forbidden forest-esque situation to be honest, but yeah. so I will stumble, and I will get confused, but at the end of the day, writing in itself, the product will make me see the clearing. yes, you must get lost to only be found anyways. yes?-

You pause, and your fingers

tap, tap, tap.

so.

right. 

tap, tap, tap.

-how do I begin? Let me rewind a bit. See, do you remember when I emailed you about a certain situation ? About me and that habit of running and over thinking, and the fact that I've been running in a long winded loop, of dodging and sliding, and the difference between my need to escape and be alone with my need to avoid complicated commitments.

stop, flex fingers, crack neck.

After hours, (nearly days, I think) of meditating in the cave, wrestling with my inner thoughts, and mastering the basic means of survival. (Code for: I stared at the ceiling ontop of my bed/ sat down in the garage and looked at the lawn), I decided that this time, maybe this time, I'll just try. Maybe it's time for me to stop running around (the maze) avoiding things and actually try to figure out what the code means.

So I rooted myself and decided to go forward, and I boldly (code for slid it into the conversation while avoiding eye contact)  asked a friend (for the sake of this letter, we shall call this friend K) if I could infact go on a date with our mutual friend ( we shall call this one F), as he had asked me out.

side recap: F had been in an unreciprocated love trope for the past 2 years with K, and well, now he's over it (or so he says.).  And I want to believe him, cause well, I don't give up completely on people easily, do I ? -

scratch, scratch, scratch. You can practically feel the back of your neck flush in embarassment.

anyways, beside the point.

K said yes. She was even supportive and happy. 

 

sigh

but then, things got complicated. fast. 

I-

stop. deep breath.

-I lost a friend last week, Shay. 

pause. crack your fingers. breathe.

K (surprise, surprise) took it back. took her approval. after saying yes. and at first I sat by and just watched as she told F about her leaving him because she couldn't handle him moving on from his unreciprocated love for her, and the have her text me, that she was doing it for me.

for me, shay.

she was doing it for me.

stop. deep breath. all out. now.

The words swam. and my heart, it broke.

I felt like scum and lower than I ever felt,

 

cause even though, this could be classified as her being selfless, it felt, as if she was... demeaning me, she was doing it just for me, because she still has power over him, and that I have none.

as if he was property to be handed over, as if he was always going to be her's. and I'd still be her friend but she wouldn't be able to hang around us two as a unit.

(here, I'd like to state I reminded her, that this was one single date)

but it doesn't stop there.

The next day, we had lunch, (don't ask me why I agreed to it, I just did. cause I'm dumb at times,)  where she rambled and rambled about F leaving her, so she could leave him, happiness, people leaving her always, how I was inevitably going to leave her.

. Also, I asked her if she had feelings for F. if she actually finally reciprocated his feelings (day-late friend from Anberlin feels appropriate here). She denied it, and again repeated she wasn't able to see him move on, while she's still pining over her ex. that she can't even see the possibility on the horizon.

I cut her off here cause I couldn't handle it, and I reminded her it was one singular date. and that she was overreacting. we then parted ways, on a somber note. (though, mostly all her doing, cause I didn't say much, just listened)

then it's followed by a whammy. double whammy that night. she texts and says she is leaving. She left me, because she couldn't handle seeing F and me. never mind it is just one date.-

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Do not cry.

-Just like that, Shay. Just like that, she walks away, like I'm nothing. Like I haven't done anything for her. Like I haven't been there for her, withstood her less than positive aptitude, stood by and listened to her through countless rants, picked up the pieces when she kept falling apart.

Like I was nothing-

stop. You have to stop. Stop.

Breathe. You have to breathe now. yeah. that's better. that's better now.

so yeah. it's been a week, and I finally got around the fact, and yeah. I'm telling you here.

I miss you. I miss you so much. Missing you is like my lungs missing oxygen, like a drought missing rain, like a respite against an ongoing storm.

cause at the end of the day, as much as I run, you're my partner. When things are rough and I can't breathe, I run headlong to you and sometimes you join me in the running, and other times, you just let me rest my weary legs and my heavy heart.-

tissue. tissues. dab at your eyes. yes. that's it. You gotta stop it now.

Come back Shay, Come back, to this desolate place, this dried up water hole, this energy sucking black hole.

Come back for me.

okay. that's enough now. sign off.

Missing you, waiting for you

With Love,

 Allie.