How do you forget..

It is pathetic, isn't it... 

that I still write about you.

warped up scribbles on pieces of paper, choruses of words stringed together, phrases that punctuate the air of consciousness. -

that I still ponder about you

that, my thoughts are words, comprised of memories, intertwining scenes,

bringing to life all the have-been, would-have-been, and should-have-been, 

that I still long for you

that, my breath, my thought, my heart,

yearns, breaks,  everyday at the thought of every passing day

without you.

that I still want you.

                                                                        

It is an interesting feat to have the room's attention
where most eyes are stuck still watching the moment
stilled air surrounding the silence enveloping the room whole:

an awaited breath balancing on the spinning top,
the gentle gasp escaping through chapped lips,
and the silent slip of water cutting across the face.

a quick rapport and a nod,

fasten back the sheepish smile with the silly reason,

hold it in and let it go. 

Love is not Transactional

I remember reading several posts saying, love someone the way you love them. Saying that you should receive what you give, that this was self-love.

and for a while I was okay with that. That it made sense.

Till one day it didn't.

Treating love like a quid pro quo, started feeling like a measurement, a transaction.

Demanding, Expecting and Limited.

Suddenly, loving some one was a requirement for 50/50. as in I do this, you have to do this. If I give you this, you must give me this.

and it was like.. well for a better way to say, a degradory term for what love meant for me.

(Not saying loving yourself is bad. just saying expecting people to love the same or be in a relationship in the same way is really a cookie-cutter approach)

Love for me shouldnt be a transaction. It's without a pricetag and without expectation. Its the ability to love you for all that person is and will. Loving someone you see and understand.

So I'm going to ignore all that transactional talk. or atleast damn try.

So when I love, I'm not gonna take a price tag. Or look at the scale.  It shouldn't be a 50/50 thing. It's more like a full on 'here's my heart. I'll wait for yours' thing. it's a "I'm gonna go and cross oceans tor you". a love with no cost or regrets.

I'll try.