A lack of a lack

It's in the small moments,
when you're washing the dishes,
or dusting the cabinets,
just an awareness of a lack of a lack.

suddenly you're aware of how empty you were
and how this emptiness was always routine,
that you never paid heed to its presence

like a hole near a wall, that you've walked past day by day,
and you never knew it was there, 'till it wasn't.

cause now you're filled.
over flowing, to the brim,
content and happy

and when his arms creep around you,
and his chin rests on your shoulder,
your mouth stretches taut:

a smile bursting at it's seams

The Pull.

Have you ever felt that heart twisting feeling?
Like a pull that clenches and your chest feels twisted and tight?
like gravity has grown an arm and phased through your rib cage,
and now holds your heart, hooked it's fingers on the muscles and just..

pull.

I did. Just now,
When he zipped his bag, and walked away, without a single glance,
When his spine was firm, and his arms agitated, and his thoughts loud,
When his steps were sure, and striding away away away from me, I felt it,

the pull.

and in an instant, when I saw him round the corner,
the instant I saw him disappear from my eyesight,
when I saw him gone.

I lurched. grabbed my stuff, followed him,
trying to catch him, trying to get him
followed him.

followed the pull.

and when I finally caught up, the pull was there. the pull so insistent.

and I knew what that pull was.
-that I'd do anything to fix it, to correct my wrong, to un-do the hurt I had caused him.

the pull of being in love, falling in love,
the pull of love,

The Fall

...and it's a weird feeling now,
 your face is nor your own and
tugging and stretching,

Pulling Taut The String

your body does things of its own accord
your stomach is fluttering, almost flittering here and there,
and your palms are itchy and flailing arms,

Increase Surface Area; reduce Pressure

malfunctioning-your heart clenches and plunges,
it twists and churns and you know,
cause when you close your eyes, and think,
your mind draws up a picture so easily
like, and you know-

automatic,

this is how you fall,

will fall, are falling, have fallen

in love.

Puddles and Cards

Cover cards, hold them in one hand.

Closed and far away from prying eyes.

Taking in the situation, worn out eyes overthinking every turn, angle, crook and cranny. She can’t help it. This is who she is. Wary and cautious.

Late night, cars and-

Sort the cards, try to figure out the best combination, the best fit. With the least loss.

But how can she, when her head’s a mess, filled with imbalanced equations and non-answers, with turnarounds and take-backs, with what ifs and whys. And she doesn’t know the best course of action.

“We’ll save that for later-”

Re-arrange the cards, try and look at all different possibilities, and narrow them into probabilities.

Too many unknown variables, too many details left blank, how can she decide?

Hesitant smile, green plaid, and-

Hold, wait. Think.

What, how, what, ho-

Stumbles, Puddles and- oh.

Wha-.

“Would you- like to go out with me?”

Yes. 

A shout into the Void

Marching for the beat of 5

The march starts before it’s time,

Marked not with the dinging of an alarm,

or the ticking of the clock’s arm.

No, instead it’s with the muffled patter of feet,

A stealthy scrimmage across your peripheral vision;

the first sign.

crossing past the lobby-

exit, load, unload, enter-

quick and swift, past glass doors, glass walls;

the second sign.

Shadows now march, emerging from transparent caves

Quietly queue-ing, passing through, without a sound,

The Third Sign

March 

One, Two, 

March 

Ready?

Three, Four, Five

March for the beat of 5.

The Internship

It's been a hectic few weeks,
and the days are beginning to blend,
becoming a slow unnerving pulse of routine.

After months of waiting and hunting for an internship, finally obtaining one felt like a miracle, really a reprieve from the dullness of doing nothing. However, after months of simply 'being', and suddenly thrown into a glass walled building, and given mountain of work?

Yeah. It took me a while. The first few days, I felt myself sapped of energy. I hated the glass walls, I hated the punch card, and other than that, I also hated the work. I hated everything about it.

but then, routine settled, and I started to find my footing. Slowly got leverage, and balanced.

I still hated the glass walls,
but I began to like my work.
I still hated the punch card,
but I began to find myself adjust to time.
I still hated the environment,
but I felt myself begin to understand why it was the way it was.

Simply put? Working in a private company had an equation. Money = Time.

The more time you spent working, meant more money coming in. The more work you get done in an alloted time, meant more money. So, if you did a lot of work in a lot of time, that would equate to a lot of money.

Or in this case, do as much as possible in 8 hrs a day, 6 days a week, and you get much more money than before.

Comparing this experience with my past internship experience with the government?

Well, that would be a whole winded post, that I'll divulge, next time.
For now, I have to type in a logbook, and post it on another website. Sorry dear blog of mine, I have another.

but my heart and mind belongs to this one.

Cheers,
The One Who Hates Changes; Qeel.