stop.

Just for a second.

Just stop.

and air goes through your chapped lips,

and your heart whimpers behind the cages of your ribs

and your eyes begin to quench.

It feels like someone’s gutted you,

cut you up into little fragments

and left you bleeding.

but you’re not.

you’re not bleeding

even your blood shrivels and shudders

away from you

cause you’re not worth it.

you don’t measure up.

you’ll never be it

you’ll never be enough

you’re just another disappointment

and your teeth chews your lips

and your fingers are clawing your skin

and your throat’s constricting

It’s like being stabbed repeatedly

and the worst part is that you know it’s coming

cause it always does and you want it to stop.

but you don’t beg.

you don’t beg. you don’t say anything.

you don’t. you take it as it comes

and stay quiet on the floor.

cause no one cares.

They can see your pain through your lying smile

hears it in your forced laughter

feel it in every touch you have.

but they don’t. and you don’t blame them.

you’re a screw up

you’re a problem

you’re a mistake

so you lay there,

no scream no whimper no sound

alone. unwanted. broken.

Just writings.

You stare into nothing … and hear everything.

Not everything, not the roar of a car’s ignition, or the tapping of fingers on a table, or even the quiet whistle of the wind.

No, not everything.

But something; you hear all the little voices, the shouts and the screams wailing inside your head. So dark and taunting these thoughts, they go through your mind like a deep vortex, forever making chaos.

'everything is over’

‘out of control’

‘abandoned’

Your heart squeezes, as uneasiness etches its territory over your brain. Anxiety will never leave you, it’s your only constant companion.

Not family, not friends, but anxiety.

And darkness, cause you were always dark, a shade darker from good.

Evil. Bad. Cruel. Weird. Different.Disturbed.Difficult. Annoying. Ruthless. Calculating. Manipulative.

The list goes on. And that’s all you have.

All these dark dark thoughts will never leave you.

Your one true companion.

And it’s true.

Cause everyone leaves. Everyone leaves you.

Even family.

Especially your family.

Your head starts to ache, as you think of broken plates and flying glasses. and Of grinning masks and tired eyes.

Everyone leaves you with these thoughts and feelings.

And you feel the bitter air in your lungs and the contortion of muscles, your slow marks of anger

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Breathe, breathe, breathe... and the old sting of dry tears come.

Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.

Shh… shh…. not now, not here. Not infront of everyone.swallow.

You swallow.

Atta girl. Now, smile.

You smile.

Now, pretend everything’s alright.

You nod, you smile, and you laugh

…and you stare into nothing and hear everything.

The Fray

It's been a while, hasn't it? Sorry, bout that. I know I've said it a million times, but well. i do really apologize dear blog of mine. I've just been..

busy.

Serious, it's not you, it's me.

Anyways, guess what? I FEEL LIKE SUCH A BAND WHORE. AHHHHH! Heh. Jumping from one band to another. But yeah... for a while now, The Fray's been tugging my heartstrings.. and this acoustic of one of their song explains why:



and this...



oh.. what am I kidding? This one jua!



NO NO NO WAIT!! THIS ONE!!

19th November, please come fast. I need magic.

"Harry Potter is about confronting your fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend." - Andrew Futral

Suck on that suckas!
HAHAHAHA

TRAILER
Total love.

If I Die Young - The Band Perry

Surely this a melody
in my head,
got me singing
nananana
everyday
like my brain's stuck on replay. :P

HAHAHA nothing, just playing around with songs. but on a serious note, this a song, that's gone and stick itself to my brain.
~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh oh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She’ll know I’m safe with You when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain’t always what you think it ought to be, no
ain’t even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

And I’ll be wearing white when I come into Your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I’ve never known the lovin’ of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
There’s a boy here in town says he’ll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your vest boys and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They’re worth so much more after I’m gone
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you’re dead how people start listenin’

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need ‘em oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your vest boys and I’ll wear my pearls.

It's been a while

she sees it
even b-e-f-o-r-e it happens,
she even feels it:

skin to skin
quick
snap

she feels the c o l d
metal g r a z e her cheeks
as it happens again-

skin to skin
quick
snap

she remains nonchalantly
s t a r i n g ahead; aimless
as it happens again-

skin to skin
quick
snap

she is unfazed,
no flinch
no anything.

just a small
s c a r running
across her cheek;

a jagged reminder.

Raya

Oh man. Oh gosh.

For the past few day, you had scrubbed the floors, vacuumed the carpets,wiped the windows and even planted new shrubs in that frog-infested garden, but nothing- I repeat: Nothing will ever compare to that frustrated feeling of a Flattened cake. Yes. a cake that had risen too high of it's own heated accord and burst.

A charred cake.

I is very the sad think think about it. :S SOOO change topics yes?

marked your calendars didn't you? looked up in the night sky waiting for the moon, didn'tcha? Waited with abaited breath for news on the dates, right?

yes, people. it's Raya.

Well, actually it's the 3rd day already. so this post is beyond it's due date. but well. I was busy mates. I was tryin' to clean up, bake, greet and have fun at the same time. Heh.

It's been a really weird raya, really.

Everyone seemed to have this nostalgic aura around them during 1st day of raya. Even I did. Just sitting at the living room and talking and laughing and eating, just didn't feel right. Felt a bit well... kinda felt as if everyone was expecting her to wheel in with her wheelchair complaining.....

feels weird still. but well yeah.
heh.

Anyways, after that the 2 days after that were spent raya-ing from house to house, and when we're not... HOO BOI. People come to our house.. Like seriously, one family goes, another comes, this family goes, that family comes. Anytime for rest, gone: kapoot.

Ugh.

Really tired.

really confused.