A house is not a home

There is a house.

Its nights are filled with chilled silence. There are no whispers of joy or rambunctious humour. Not even a slight warmth of laughter and any light of happiness.

Instead it is filled, filled to the brim with discontent and discomfort. The only sounds are echoes, of timid footsteps and whispered secrets. On Edge and Constantly Vigilant.

It is not a home.

Pictures of smiles and laughters fill the house. They show adventures with goofballs; capturing the moments of carefree and fun.

These pictures are lies.

There is no family; there is a household.

Silence is the patriarch; unrelenting and unyielding.

Pain is the matriarch; erratic and constant

They push and shove, paying no heed

to rational. to thought. to consequence.

paying no heed 

to the three fleeting shadows passing cross the door frame

to the three pair of ears pressed to the floor

to the three pair of eyes dried and worn

 to the innocent youth with his dimming eyes

 to the timid giant with his chained up heart

 and never to the eldest, unwise and controlled

planning unrelently, of failures and retreats, of curveballs and detours, of pain and misfortune.

No, 

not a heed of thought to three children living in a house, and not a home.

2014: the Return

Greetings and Salutations,

It's back.

It's the year 2014, I'm sitting in a coffee shop drinking my hot chocolate, (yes, I'm 20 years old and still do not like coffee)  and it just dawned on me. I miss writing. I miss the feel of typing out my thoughts. I miss this.

Blogging.
I never was one for a regular update, where I would ramble about my day-to-day activities.(Though lord knows I SO can ramble) but here's the thing. There is just this simple relief, this joy of sending a letter containing my thoughts, my musings and my feelings into the stark dark abyss of the internet. Even if it could swallow my words and leave no trace of its existence, I find that it isn't that much of a big deals, because who am I to say that the world should stop and pay heed to my ramblings. I'm simply just a small town girl (LOL. Brunei is a country, not a town. but whatever.) just trying to keep her head above water, just trying to make herself feel a little more solid in this inconsistent world.

So, I've decided to try it again. to climb back on the saddle, and astound myself with how ridiculous and pretentious I am.

Well.
Here I go.

Ladies and gentlemen;
I'm back.

stop.

Just for a second.

Just stop.

and air goes through your chapped lips,

and your heart whimpers behind the cages of your ribs

and your eyes begin to quench.

It feels like someone’s gutted you,

cut you up into little fragments

and left you bleeding.

but you’re not.

you’re not bleeding

even your blood shrivels and shudders

away from you

cause you’re not worth it.

you don’t measure up.

you’ll never be it

you’ll never be enough

you’re just another disappointment

and your teeth chews your lips

and your fingers are clawing your skin

and your throat’s constricting

It’s like being stabbed repeatedly

and the worst part is that you know it’s coming

cause it always does and you want it to stop.

but you don’t beg.

you don’t beg. you don’t say anything.

you don’t. you take it as it comes

and stay quiet on the floor.

cause no one cares.

They can see your pain through your lying smile

hears it in your forced laughter

feel it in every touch you have.

but they don’t. and you don’t blame them.

you’re a screw up

you’re a problem

you’re a mistake

so you lay there,

no scream no whimper no sound

alone. unwanted. broken.

Just writings.

You stare into nothing … and hear everything.

Not everything, not the roar of a car’s ignition, or the tapping of fingers on a table, or even the quiet whistle of the wind.

No, not everything.

But something; you hear all the little voices, the shouts and the screams wailing inside your head. So dark and taunting these thoughts, they go through your mind like a deep vortex, forever making chaos.

'everything is over’

‘out of control’

‘abandoned’

Your heart squeezes, as uneasiness etches its territory over your brain. Anxiety will never leave you, it’s your only constant companion.

Not family, not friends, but anxiety.

And darkness, cause you were always dark, a shade darker from good.

Evil. Bad. Cruel. Weird. Different.Disturbed.Difficult. Annoying. Ruthless. Calculating. Manipulative.

The list goes on. And that’s all you have.

All these dark dark thoughts will never leave you.

Your one true companion.

And it’s true.

Cause everyone leaves. Everyone leaves you.

Even family.

Especially your family.

Your head starts to ache, as you think of broken plates and flying glasses. and Of grinning masks and tired eyes.

Everyone leaves you with these thoughts and feelings.

And you feel the bitter air in your lungs and the contortion of muscles, your slow marks of anger

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Breathe, breathe, breathe... and the old sting of dry tears come.

Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.

Shh… shh…. not now, not here. Not infront of everyone.swallow.

You swallow.

Atta girl. Now, smile.

You smile.

Now, pretend everything’s alright.

You nod, you smile, and you laugh

…and you stare into nothing and hear everything.

The Fray

It's been a while, hasn't it? Sorry, bout that. I know I've said it a million times, but well. i do really apologize dear blog of mine. I've just been..

busy.

Serious, it's not you, it's me.

Anyways, guess what? I FEEL LIKE SUCH A BAND WHORE. AHHHHH! Heh. Jumping from one band to another. But yeah... for a while now, The Fray's been tugging my heartstrings.. and this acoustic of one of their song explains why:



and this...



oh.. what am I kidding? This one jua!



NO NO NO WAIT!! THIS ONE!!

19th November, please come fast. I need magic.

"Harry Potter is about confronting your fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend." - Andrew Futral

Suck on that suckas!
HAHAHAHA

TRAILER
Total love.

If I Die Young - The Band Perry

Surely this a melody
in my head,
got me singing
nananana
everyday
like my brain's stuck on replay. :P

HAHAHA nothing, just playing around with songs. but on a serious note, this a song, that's gone and stick itself to my brain.
~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh oh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She’ll know I’m safe with You when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain’t always what you think it ought to be, no
ain’t even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

And I’ll be wearing white when I come into Your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I’ve never known the lovin’ of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
There’s a boy here in town says he’ll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your vest boys and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They’re worth so much more after I’m gone
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you’re dead how people start listenin’

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need ‘em oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your vest boys and I’ll wear my pearls.