Is it always going to
be like this?
Me always waiting on
you. Waiting for you. Always waiting.
Always the one to
initiate. Always the one to try. Always the one vulnerable.
Always.
Every time I talk
about my fears about academia, and if you know anything about me you should
know this: academia is a big part of me, you always turn it around to make me
feel bad, for this part of me.
Always. Always.
Always.
Me pulling you up by
the ropes. Me fighting to prove myself. Me dragging you everywhere.
Always, just me.
I thought
relationships were a two person effort?
I though relationships
meant sharing my burdens and problems?
I thought you were
there for me?
I understand that
you’re going through something, and for the past few months I’ve been rallying
up and trying to help, and doing all I can do to help you.
Even studying at
your place, trying to brighten up your day, trying. Just trying. Coming up with
different ideas, or projects, or anything.
And yet. You still do
your thing. The same redundant things, that you know, doesn’t bring about any
change.
If you’re not happy
with where you are. With what position you are in. do something. Do not moan
and beguile. Do not lament and go ‘woe is me’. Do not just give up. You’re
allowed a wallowing period, but don’t milk it. Not too much.
You are so much more
than you give yourself credit for. You’re talented and dedicated, but the
problem is… you’re stagnantly stuck in the same routine. In a rut. And that’s
cause you’re doing the same thing.
Life has given you a
difficult situation, I understand. This environment does not sustain or support
your kind of intellect. But that is not an excuse to just try.
And here I am. Just
waiting on you. Again. Just waiting for you to fucking even try
with this relationship. To trust me. But you don’t. not really.
Because the sad truth
is, if you really wanted me, you’d be trying just as hard as me.
And I know, it’s not
fair for me to expect you to reciprocate all my efforts or my attempts in this
relationship. But god fucking damn it. Could you just even try?
You say you will. But
you don’t. always.
No. you don’t. you
don’t got this. You don’t.
And I’m getting fed
up. You still have me, but for fuck’s sake, could you fucking try.
Maybe it’s just me
trying too hard, and fooling myself.
Yeah, maybe it’s that.
