and I need to breathe

Is it always going to be like this?

Me always waiting on you. Waiting for you. Always waiting.

Always the one to initiate. Always the one to try. Always the one vulnerable.

Always.

Every time I talk about my fears about academia, and if you know anything about me you should know this: academia is a big part of me, you always turn it around to make me feel bad, for this part of me.

Always. Always. Always.

Me pulling you up by the ropes. Me fighting to prove myself. Me dragging you everywhere.

Always, just me.

I thought relationships were a two person effort?

I though relationships meant sharing my burdens and problems?

I thought you were there for me?

I understand that you’re going through something, and for the past few months I’ve been rallying up and trying to help, and doing all I can do to help you. 

Even studying at your place, trying to brighten up your day, trying. Just trying. Coming up with different ideas, or projects, or anything.

And yet. You still do your thing. The same redundant things, that you know, doesn’t bring about any change.

If you’re not happy with where you are. With what position you are in. do something. Do not moan and beguile. Do not lament and go ‘woe is me’. Do not just give up. You’re allowed a wallowing period, but don’t milk it. Not too much.

You are so much more than you give yourself credit for. You’re talented and dedicated, but the problem is… you’re stagnantly stuck in the same routine. In a rut. And that’s cause you’re doing the same thing.

Life has given you a difficult situation, I understand. This environment does not sustain or support your kind of intellect. But that is not an excuse to just try.

And here I am. Just waiting on you. Again. Just waiting for you to fucking even try with this relationship. To trust me. But you don’t. not really.

Because the sad truth is, if you really wanted me, you’d be trying just as hard as me.

And I know, it’s not fair for me to expect you to reciprocate all my efforts or my attempts in this relationship. But god fucking damn it. Could you just even try?

You say you will. But you don’t. always.

No. you don’t. you don’t got this. You don’t.

And I’m getting fed up. You still have me, but for fuck’s sake, could you fucking try.

Maybe it’s just me trying too hard, and fooling myself.

Yeah, maybe it’s that.