It was just like any other of my nights lately. The sudden abrupt waking up, the squeeze of the head and a silent resignation to whatever this problem is. to whatever this symptom is.
My nights are usually filled with aches and chills that shoot up through the bones. Of caged thoughts and monstrous anxiety prowling inside. Of silence and worries whirling in the recesses of my mind. Of memories and notions conjured only in the wee hours of night.
But tonight, I thought of you.
and a smile comes etching on my face. It's an infectious feeling. 'Cause it spreads through, starting - as cheesy as it sounds- from my heart to the tip of my toes and the edge of my mind.
You.
and if I close my eyes, right now. I can see you. Tilted face, rounded cheeks, overzealous smile, and I wonder how many of those attributes have I picked up? Of the cheeky grin and funny eyes, Of the infectious laugh that always seem to peek with every honest smile.
How many pieces of you, had I assimilated into me?
and I know, it's a fraud, and I know, I'm a fraud. But, I swear you're the reason the kids find joy in my class. And I know you're going to look at me, and say No. But it's the truth. it is. I think of you, and it makes me carry on, with whatever over zealous energy inducing game there is. I think of you, peeking through the door gap, blinking rapidly, with eyes full to the brim with laughter.
You, who inspire me.
and I know you don't think you're worth anything to aspire/inspire to. but you do. There is no amount of words, even if I do try to express it, that can tell you, or show you this. I am inspired by you. in my darkest hours, when I am drawing in my last depleting cells of reserve, I think of you.
And I think of you, how you've been and what you're doing, all the way over there.
Miles separate us, right now. Distance that seems to cut us to the bone, chilling and unwavering in the separation. I wonder, as I'm typing this, whether you're cocooned in a nice blanket, and your head resting on a fluffy pillow. I wonder if, as you sleep, you still have the creases on your forehead, or if your jaw still opens slightly. I wonder if you still tap your fingers, or use more physical cues to express words and phrases that doesn't come easily to you.
I wonder, if you have changed as much as me.
So many things have been happening, so many revelations and events that seem to have taken shape on it's own. and with the too small window of communication, too little chances of catch-ups and the many array of responsibilities, I can't seem to tell you everything.
I'm sorry.
These words just keep echoing in my head, and I can't help the grief, the longing, the need, that ricochets in my chest. No words, no smart twist of the alphabet, no use of simile, would be able to express the gnawing sensation I have, thinking of you. How at times, even in class, I think of you, and wish you were here.
If you were here,
I'd tell you about the stars, that seem to twinkle more since I'm up at the wee hours of night. Of the little hidden alcove that I've made in my room. I'd tell you about what it feels to be in diverging pathways with my best friend, where we're swapping dreams and aspirations. Then, I'd tell you about my studies, about the kids who've won over my heart and this interesting group of people that I've found myself thrown in with for this life's journey.
and
I'd tell you, I miss you, and love you, in person.
I hope you do too.
No comments:
Post a Comment